Cee is for Canned

It's taken exactly 84 days for me to write about this topic--being fired. Discharged. Sacked. Axed. Let go (my employer's words). Ousted.

I've been searching since February 2013 for a new job which I wrote about in an earlier blog. After an initial group interview with said desired company in August, I became determined to work for this company. A second interview resembled speed dating; a smaller group of us were interviewed by the same amount of administrative personnel. I felt on top of my game, and excelled. I was hired! Training was to begin during the same week a previously scheduled vacation was to occur. I asked if the company would honor my vacation. They would not, so I reluctantly declined the job offer. 

After much prayer and confirmation from three different people, I contacted the company and asked if it were possible to allow me an opportunity to change my mind and accept the position after all. They said yes, and everything seemed...golden.

Since my very first day, I can only liken my experience working there as to one a contestant might feel on the reality show "Survivor." I observed my 14 co-workers skitter to form quick alliances on our first day of training. One of my co-workers just so happened to be friends with the trainer. By the end of the first day, our group reduced by two--one was ill and never showed, and the second handed her badge to a co-worker at lunch and didn't return to finish the remaining hours. Training lasted three weeks; an additional two more sloughed from the ranks. The rest of us "graduated" and took our places among the original staff members who mentored us.


It was tough.

I struggled to keep afloat and came home from one exceptionally stressful day where I'd been informed that time was drawing near for me--management needed to see improvements. After much forethought, I met with HR (on my scheduled day off) during the morning hours, expressing my struggles and promising to call later that day to confirm my decision to quit. I turned in my badge at that time, felt freed (notice how it's on the list of synonyms?), then changed my mind and reclaimed it.

I fought every day, making improvements and feeling satisfied with my performance. I felt, and still believe, I was making improvements. I need to mention at this time that our group trainer had a passive/aggressive/assertive manner about her which I perceived as constructive criticism. However, in at least two instances,co-workers approached me after very loud, public "instructional" talks she had given me. My co-workers asked me afterwards, wanting to know how I was feeling; one older gentleman said, "You have thicker skin than I do" and admitted he would have walked out had he been the recipient. That should have been an alarm to me, but I wanted to keep this job--this job which made me feel valued and worthwhile as an employee.

Funny how booted is conspicuously missing from the above synonyms. It's exactly how I felt--"booted off the island." I was called to the conference room 15 minutes after lunch break ended on Nov. 12, where I was "let go," management said. My supervisor retrieved my immediate personal effects (purse, cell) from my desk, while I told the assistant manager what else belonged to me at my desk and break room. I was not allowed to say goodbye to my companions, but was escorted by the AM to the door leading outside. My belongings were packed into a box while my cubicle co-workers watched in shocked silence. The box was then shipped UPS Ground.

I blame no one but myself for management's sudden decision to release me. I went home and immediately applied online for 40 jobs. Since that day in mid-November, I've struggled with feelings of value, worth, self-respect, guilt, feeling dumb--stupid, even. As potential employers called for interviews but never called back with employment offers, my esteem plummeted. I felt like the crust-end of the bread loaf that everyone pushes past in order to get to the perfect slice of bread. Getting fired sucks the joy from your life.

Reinvigorated by the holidays, I applied for yet another job, this one at my local high school as a library aide. Nearly a month passed before I received a call for an interview. Ten days later, the interview was...scattered. I was scattered. The two interviewers asked five questions. I spoke quickly, as if I'd consumed cocaine previous to the interview and tried to find the fact. My thoughts, usually organized, jumped from one topic to another. Thirty minutes later, I left, feeling unusually confident.

The next day, I was hired.

I don't understand why I had to go through that season. I missed going on vacation, only to be released nearly two months later. I was a different person while working there, showing more self-respect and genuine concern about the employees and company. I don't pretend to understand God's purpose behind it; I only know I was to accept the job offer and trust God.